Over the years I appear to have amused and delighted many associates and colleagues by composing funny poems and writing them of their birthday cards. I’ve now determined to publish my anthology of wit, humour and downright rudeness for the world to take pleasure in!
These rhymes have confirmed to be significantly in style with girls – demonstrating how merciless and heartless the ‘gentler’ intercourse might be to the lads of their lives. They might be copied into birthday cards, Father’s Day cards, Christmas cards, or just lower and pasted onto an e mail … in actual fact they can be utilized anytime somebody you recognize wants cheering up – or bringing down a peg or two!
Many of the poems rely closely on the shortcomings of we poor males; ie, drunkenness, uncontrolled flatulence, lecherousness, good quaint plain laziness, incapability to grasp DIY, thinning hair, suspiciously thickening midriff and so forth, and so forth. Characteristics which I am certain apply to some extent to all husbands, boyfriends and sons.
You will see that every poem incorporates a person’s first identify, however not as a part of the rhyme. In different phrases, you may simply ‘personalise’ the rhyme by changing the identify with the identify of the individual you want to ship it to. (This works greatest if the names have the identical variety of syllables. For instance, ‘Bob’ might be modified to John, Dave, Mick, Paul and so forth; ‘Andy’ might be modified to Simon, Roger, Alan and so forth).
For no matter purpose you resolve to ship one, the poor unsuspecting fellow will obtain a really amusing rhyme poking enjoyable at a few of his – let’s say – much less romantic traits. A attainable facet impact is that he may additionally be impressed at your wit, humour and resourcefulness – however please do not count on him to confess to that. Here they’re;
Ian would not very like it,
When you inform him he is dropping his hair;
And he will get just a bit bit grumpy,
When you level out his tyre is spare.
So be delicate now it is his birthday,
And bear in mind, the person’s not bionic;
Sit him down in his chair, do not point out the hair
And pour him a big Gin and Tonic.
John likes booze and John likes girls, He would not like operating and he would not like swimming; He likes sitting down and he likes consuming grub, He would not like work however he does just like the pub.
Being John’s Missus is a ache within the neck, When he attire up good, he nonetheless appears to be like a wreck! He thinks posh eating places and theatres are above him, But I suppose all these items are simply causes I like him!
There as soon as was a younger man known as Laurence,
Who when urinating did so in torrents,
When requested, “Was it Venice
That impressed this menace?”
He replied, “No, I learnt it in Florence”.
Matthew desires presents for his birthday, Matthew desires jewelry and automobiles, Matthew desires to exit to eating places, And meet attractive girls in bars.
Well I’ve acquired a gift for Matthew, For this playboy who thinks he is so cool, It’s what he acquired me for my birthday, Coincidentally that is B*GGER ALL!
Nigel is a gentleman, It is not only a pose;
His sneakers are all the time polished, And he by no means picks his nostril.
He opens doorways for women, And presents them his seat;
His nails are by no means soiled, And his hair is all the time neat.
But when it is Nigel’s birthday, He loses all his class;
He has an terrible lot to drink, And finally ends up on his a*se!
Peter once I have a look at you, I bear in mind while you had been twenty-two,
Your hair was thick, your wrinkles few, And you did not spend so lengthy within the bathroom!
Robert, in your birthday, I would like you to calm down;
Sit down and put your toes up, And I am going to convey you drinks and snacks.
I am going to do all of the family chores, And put your garments away;
In truth it will not be a lot totally different, To each different day!
Vince, Vince, what can the matter be, You’re turning into Les Battersby,
It’s your birthday on Saturday, So for crying out loud mate CHEER UP!
Alan you recognize I like you, You’re actually very candy;
In truth I would name you excellent If it wasn’t in your toes!
Brian has an issue, He’s older than earlier than,
And now that it is his birthday, He feels slightly sore.
But Brian should not fear, Or mooch round the home,
Because what he lacks in youthfulness, He makes up for with nouse!
Charlie likes to have a drink, And he is typically in a rush;
But hold your distance within the morning, If he is been out for a curry!
David, Happy Birthday Love, I’ve stored you dressed and fed;
Now I ask only one factor of you – Please cease farting in mattress!
Frank, your birthday’s right here once more, So it is a good time simply to take a seat
And surprise why for the remainder of the yr, You’re such a depressing git!!
Eddie, now you are getting previous, And your hair goes gray;
I’ve some phrases to say to you, On this your big day.
You’re beneficiant, smart, handsome, type, And all of your jokes are funny;
But the best factor about you Dear, Is all of your pretty cash!
Gary all the time will get drunk on his birthday, Once he is began, he simply can not cease;
So he normally will get slung out the boozer, And comes dwelling with sick down his prime!
Harry’s the proper husband, For 364 days of the yr,
But he does go astray on his birthday, By making an attempt to drown in beer!
Tony’s excellent at doing jobs round the home,
When it involves DIY you could not discover a higher partner;
So I assumed that for his birthday I might get him one thing good,
To assist him with the patio or bevelling of wooden.
Should or not it’s an influence drill, or one thing else by Bosch?
A Black and Decker sander or a Karcher energy wash?
But ultimately I assumed, you should not repair what is not damaged,
So I did the identical as final yr – purchased a ten pound file token!
There as soon as was a fella known as Kevin,
For whom being in a pub was simply heaven,
When supplied a drink,
He did not should suppose,
He would say, “Not just one, I’ll have seven”!
Today is Dennis’s birthday, And he’ll in all probability exit to play,
I bear in mind final yr he knocked again a lot beer, He ended up on Crimewatch UK!
Simon likes to exit along with his mates, Simon likes to take ladies out on dates,
He likes fish and chips and he likes Man United, And Keira Knightley will get him actually excited.
He’ll exit on his birthday and paint the city pink,
He’ll drink the bar dry then take cod and chips to mattress,
He’ll lie there wishing that Manchester was nearer,
Then he’ll drop off to sleep and dream about Keira.
Andy don’t desire no presents for his birthday, Andy don’t desire particular grub;
Andy don’t desire no cards and kisses, He simply desires to go to the pub!
Barry is a nuisance on his birthday to be trustworthy, All the same old forms of items he would not like in any respect;
If you have not spent a fortune he’ll thinks your current’s modest, So this yr I’ve determined that he is getting B*GGER ALL!
Elliot fairly likes to get together On his birthday, with associates far and broad;
But curiously the following morning, He simply desires to twist up and conceal!
Happy birthday Timothy, Go out and have some enjoyable;
Keep up your fame as A Lazy Drunken Bum!
There as soon as was a younger man known as Chris,
Who was completely out on the p*ss,
When his birthday got here spherical,
He simply stayed in his lounge,
And drank cocoa all night time – oh what bliss!
Read extra at Happy Birthday