Over the years I appear to have amused and delighted many buddies and colleagues by composing funny poems and writing them of their birthday cards. I’ve now determined to publish my anthology of wit, humour and downright rudeness for the world to get pleasure from!
These rhymes have confirmed to be notably fashionable with ladies – demonstrating how merciless and heartless the ‘gentler’ intercourse will be to the lads of their lives. They will be copied into birthday cards, Father’s Day cards, Christmas cards, or just minimize and pasted onto an e mail … the truth is they can be utilized anytime somebody wants cheering up – or bringing down a peg or two!
Many of the poems rely closely on the shortcomings of we poor males; ie, drunkenness, uncontrolled flatulence, lecherousness, good quaint plain laziness, lack of ability to grasp DIY, thinning hair, suspiciously thickening midriff and so on, and so on. Characteristics which I am positive apply to some extent to all husbands, boyfriends and sons.
You will see that every poem accommodates a person’s first title, however not as a part of the rhyme. In different phrases, you’ll be able to simply ‘personalise’ the rhyme by changing the title with the title of the individual you wish to ship it to. (This works greatest if the names have the identical variety of syllables. For instance, ‘Bob’ will be modified to John, Dave, Mick, Paul and so on; ‘Andy’ will be modified to Simon, Roger, Alan and so on).
For no matter cause you resolve to ship one, the poor unsuspecting fellow will obtain a really amusing rhyme poking enjoyable at a few of his – let’s assume – much less romantic traits. A potential facet impact is that he may additionally be impressed at your wit, humour and resourcefulness – however please do not anticipate him to confess to that. Here they’re;
Ian does not very like it,
When you inform him he is dropping his hair;
And he will get just a bit bit grumpy,
When you level out his tyre is spare.
So be delicate now it is his birthday,
And bear in mind, the person’s not bionic;
Sit him down in his chair, do not point out the hair
And pour him a big Gin and Tonic.
John likes booze and John likes ladies, He does not like operating and he does not like swimming; He likes sitting down and he likes consuming grub, He does not like work however he does just like the pub.
Being John’s Missus is a ache within the neck, When he attire up good, he nonetheless appears to be like a wreck! He thinks posh eating places and theatres are above him, But I suppose all these items are simply causes I like him!
There as soon as was a younger man known as Laurence,
Who when urinating did so in torrents,
When requested, “Was it Venice
That impressed this menace?”
He replied, “No, I learnt it in Florence”.
Matthew needs presents for his birthday, Matthew needs jewelry and automobiles, Matthew needs to exit to eating places, And meet beautiful ladies in bars.
Well I’ve acquired a gift for Matthew, For this playboy who thinks he is so cool, It’s what he acquired me for my birthday, Coincidentally that is B*GGER ALL!
Nigel is a gentleman, It is not only a pose;
His sneakers are all the time polished, And he by no means picks his nostril.
He opens doorways for women, And provides them his seat;
His nails are by no means soiled, And his hair is all the time neat.
But when it is Nigel’s birthday, He loses all his class;
He has an terrible lot to drink, And finally ends up on his a*se!
Peter after I take a look at you, I bear in mind if you had been twenty-two,
Your hair was thick, your wrinkles few, And you did not spend so lengthy within the lavatory!
Robert, in your birthday, I need you to calm down;
Sit down and put your toes up, And I am going to deliver you drinks and snacks.
I am going to do all of the family chores, And put your garments away;
In truth it will not be a lot completely different, To each different day!
Vince, Vince, what can the matter be, You’re turning into Les Battersby,
It’s your birthday on Saturday, So for crying out loud mate CHEER UP!
Alan I like you, You’re actually very candy;
In truth I might name you good If it wasn’t on your toes!
Brian has an issue, He’s older than earlier than,
And now that it is his birthday, He feels a bit sore.
But Brian should not fear, Or mooch round the home,
Because what he lacks in youthfulness, He makes up for with nouse!
Charlie likes to have a drink, And he is usually in a rush;
But preserve your distance within the morning, If he is been out for a curry!
David, Happy Birthday Love, I’ve saved you dressed and fed;
Now I ask only one factor of you – Please cease farting in mattress!
Frank, your birthday’s right here once more, So it is a good time simply to take a seat
And surprise why for the remainder of the 12 months, You’re such a depressing git!!
Eddie, now you are getting previous, And your hair goes gray;
I’ve some phrases to say to you, On this your special occasion.
You’re beneficiant, sensible, handsome, form, And all of your jokes are funny;
But the best factor about you Dear, Is all of your beautiful cash!
Gary all the time will get drunk on his birthday, Once he is began, he simply can not cease;
So he often will get slung out the boozer, And comes residence with sick down his prime!
Harry’s the right husband, For 364 days of the 12 months,
But he does go astray on his birthday, By attempting to drown in beer!
Tony’s superb at doing jobs round the home,
When it involves DIY you could not discover a higher partner;
So I believed that for his birthday I’d get him one thing good,
To assist him with the patio or bevelling of wooden.
Should it’s an influence drill, or one thing else by Bosch?
A Black and Decker sander or a Karcher energy wash?
But in the long run I believed, you should not repair what is not damaged,
So I did the identical as final 12 months – purchased a ten pound document token!
There as soon as was a fella known as Kevin,
For whom being in a pub was simply heaven,
When provided a drink,
He did not need to assume,
He would say, “Not just one, I’ll have seven”!
Today is Dennis’s birthday, And he’ll in all probability exit to play,
I bear in mind final 12 months he knocked again a lot beer, He ended up on Crimewatch UK!
Simon likes to exit along with his mates, Simon likes to take ladies out on dates,
He likes fish and chips and he likes Man United, And Keira Knightley will get him actually excited.
He’ll exit on his birthday and paint the city crimson,
He’ll drink the bar dry then take cod and chips to mattress,
He’ll lie there wishing that Manchester was nearer,
Then he’ll drop off to sleep and dream about Keira.
Andy don’t desire no presents for his birthday, Andy don’t desire particular grub;
Andy don’t desire no cards and kisses, He simply needs to go to the pub!
Barry is a nuisance on his birthday to be sincere, All the standard sorts of items he does not like in any respect;
If you have not spent a fortune he’ll thinks your current’s modest, So this 12 months I’ve determined that he is getting B*GGER ALL!
Elliot fairly likes to get together On his birthday, with buddies far and broad;
But curiously the following morning, He simply needs to twist up and conceal!
Happy birthday Timothy, Go out and have some enjoyable;
Keep up your popularity as A Lazy Drunken Bum!
There as soon as was a younger man known as Chris,
Who was completely out on the p*ss,
When his birthday got here spherical,
He simply stayed in his lounge,
And drank cocoa all night time – oh what bliss!
Read extra at Happy Birthday